This blog is so easy for me to write, however it's hard for me to post as I am very vulnerable.
Please note: this blog was originally posted on my old blog account in July, 2017. I am reposting to this website so you can be up to date, it'll make sense with my future blogs.
I'm doing this for other women, other women out there who don't love who they are in their own skin. I am doing this to prove that you don't need to be a size 6 to be beautiful. I want you to embrace your shape. I want to tell you about my experience with my weight gain, and how I have felt throughout it all.
This photo was taken a few days ago (July, 2017). This is me, at my biggest size. I know it isn't 'big'. But to me it is. I am 76cm in my waist, 96cm in my bust and 98cm in my hips. I am a standard size 10-12. I have never been a size 6, and that’s ok – because we aren’t all made to be the same size. I am European, I have curves in all the right places, I have a booty and I've had a big bust since I was 14 years young. I was an E by the time I was 15.
I have always been a healthy person, I don't drink much alcohol, I eat all the right stuff and in moderation, but when I stop exercising and when I am stressed, I put on weight. People who know me and even people who have just met me, they know I am an out-going and confident person who doesn't care about what others opinions about me... Until a few years ago.
It all started in 2013-2014 I had a pretty shitty time, I was working in a place that made me so un-happy, I was always stressed and would hardly sleep, I ended up skipping the gym because by the time I got home, I was so exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally, and on top of that, I was anaemic. I was not in a good place. When I ended up getting fired from this place of work, without warning, my anxiety went through the roof as my partner was a Uni student and it is hard to get a good job on the coast with the money I was on, or money I needed to live (within my means). So, I did a few different casual jobs and spray tanning on the side.
To top it all off, in July 2014 I had a drunk driver run into the back of my vehicle, I was stationary. He was doing about 70km and I suffered severe whiplash, even to this day I have good and bad days with my back and neck from the injury. It’s something I’ll have to learn to deal with, but you know what? It could be a hundred times worse. I was off work for a few weeks due to severe back and neck pain, I had to do physiotherapy every week and up my Pilates to strengthen my core again, but it is so frustrating trying to re-align my back and posture because I have always had great posture and never had to think about it. It's little things like that that got in my way, but it also made me grateful because again, there is always someone worse off!
On top of that, I was very fatigued due to being anaemic, lack of sleep due to anxiety and insomnia caused by anxiety, maybe a little bit depressed because I had a really shitty 15-18 months, and this all caused me to gain weight! My eating habits didn't change, I would sometimes skip meals, but that’s about it.
I then started my career as a Flight Attendant in 2015. My job is draining, it is hard on your body, I have days where my back is absolutely killing me or days where I am just so damn exhausted, even taking my iron tablets. That's the job, that's the lifestyle and I love it. You’ve got to learn to listen to your body and rest when you know you need it!
I am glad I got away from the Monday to Friday 9am-5pm. It took a bit to adjust to the hours and getting into a routine, but I managed. I lost weight when I started flying, when most people gain weight. I say that’s because of happiness and good routine. I absolutely love my job!
I didn't feel myself and there are certain things that bothered me more than others, these four in particular:
#1 is photos - I didn’t and sometimes still don't feel comfortable in photos, and this is someone who LOVES the camera, I am always told how photogenic I am, and how beautiful the photos are, even when I did modelling back in the day. I noticed a huge difference with my lack of confidence now.
#2 clothes - I noticed my fashion went out the window, active wear was my friend more than ever. I wasn't comfortable in anything, I felt like I was too big to be the fashionista that I usually was. I hated getting dolled up, and that is the total opposite to the Danika that everyone knows.
#3 I was getting told I have lost weight - I even to this day HATE being told I have lost weight, now I say this is the biggest I have been but since joining back at F45, I have noticed a little difference. I don't know why, but I don't like this 'compliment'. It made me feel like 'Oh so you noticed I gained weight, I must have been huge for you to comment on how I have lost weight now,' I know - it's all in my own head, anxiety is a bitch!!
#4 People telling me what to freaking eat or how to lose weight!!!!! I'm sorry, but who are you to tell me what works for my body? I know how to lose weight, I NEED SLEEP and de-stress! My partner is now a qualified dietitian and it comes in handy for sure. I had these people telling me to stop eating shit and do this and do that, and I'm sorry, but you're no health professional, a - you shouldn't be giving out dietary advice without any certification and b. my weight IS NOT to do with bad eating habits!! People just assumed that because I gained weight, that I was un-healthy and ate crap. That’s not the case at all, sleep and stress play a HUGE part in your weight loss or gain.
According to my BMI (which isn’t 100% accurate anyway), DXA scans and body scans say I am a healthy weight, I am a little 'overweight' in muscle, my body fat has gone up, yes and my visceral fat also. Visceral fat is the fat around your organs and if you are stressed or don't get enough sleep, the fat is harder to lose! I don't like going by the normal $10 scales from K-Mart, people are way to fixated on numbers and it isn't healthy!!! My weight, as I said, I am at my biggest - 79kg, and to look at that on a normal scale, it looks like a lot! And sure, I want to get back to 74kg, maybe even 73kg, but knowing that majority of that 79kg is muscle more than fat, it makes me stress less. All that matters are for my height, age and everything else, I am not overweight, I am normal for my body type.
I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally now. I still get anxiety here and there, but I know how to handle it. Physically, I am back to the weights I did before the accident, I am still working on my posture and core (which frustrates me), I am doing 5km’s (sometimes more) a day whether it be walk or run and F45 training, I listen to my body and if my back is too sore, I take it easy. If I am way to exhausted I try not to feel bad about resting or taking it easy, as long as I move my body, that’s something. I still eat healthy, I try to sleep as much as I can (I can run off about 7 hours), but I have had a busy year so far, so it's been go, go, go! I know I will get back to where I was in early 2014 in no time.
Let’s talk, confidence. Confidence has never been an issue for me, and it isn’t at work – I have to walk through airports and people stare at us Flight Attendants, people are so fascinated by us, checking out our uniform etc., even doing the safety demo, or walking through the cabin, we are always on show. I have so much confidence at work.
On Friday I took part in a beauty pageant. I am a Queensland state finalist in Miss World Australia, and I still have a chance at getting into nationals - which is my goal. My dream is to help others and I have enjoyed doing that through Miss World Australia's beauty with a purpose. I love that Miss World Australia isn’t about what size you are, there is no swimwear category, it’s about the kind of person you are. I want to inspire, empower and encourage other women.
One thing I found challenging with this pageant is that it was my first time doing catwalk in a few years and especially now I have gained that weight. For someone so confident in herself, like me - I lost a bit of that confidence. It’s funny though – I didn’t lose confidence in front of my partner, but more so in front of my girlfriends, and that is so not me. I wasn't comparing myself to the other girls in the pageant or even via social media or in everyday life, I am not that sort of girl, I don't get intimidated or self-conscious, I can see we are all so different and unique and beautiful in our own ways, no matter what shape and size - yet something still made me kind of hide in a shell and it let me down, it really did. Like the saying goes “It’s not what you are that is holding you back, it’s what you think you are not.” I know that day my confidence, or lack of let me down. But I have loved being involved with this pageant and especially the beauty with a purpose part. This journey has also helped me find myself a little, as I loved modelling, I had done it for years and I lost it and to be on the catwalk in beautiful gowns again, I loved every minute of it. It took for others to say to me how beautiful I am, for me to actually realise it for myself. We don't see ourselves how others do, and my gosh - I need to take my own advice when I say look into the mirror and tell yourself that YOU are beautiful and loved, because it's so damn true!! My Mum always says to me "Neik, so many people comment on how beautiful you are, how many people will it take to say that until you realise it?" She is right.
I got asked a question and it made me think… Keep in mind that this is no right or wrong answer, it's my personal answer. The question was “What is the biggest problem in society today?” Well, that is Mental health/suicide and obesity. The pressure that people face with negative body image and the hate and body shamers out there, can cause eating disorders and mental health issues which can lead to suicide. Exercise plays a huge role in mental health, walking, meditating, Pilates, swimming - whatever it may be, moving your body is good for your brain and your soul. Social media plays a big part in todays society, good and bad. So many girls compare themselves to girls they see on Instagram, some photo shopped and un-realistic. It isn't healthy at all to be telling yourself you're not good enough because you aren't a Victoria Secrets Model, or to wish you had a body like one. You should be happy with YOUR body. It is YOUR body! Social media definitely has that effect, especially on the younger generation. When I took this photo, I looked at it and was so negative about myself, it was awful. I said to myself "If this was someone else's photo, would I say the same things I am saying knowing it's me? No, I wouldn't!" If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all - that goes for yourself also! Be kind to you. You're amazing and our bodies are capable of so many amazing things!
I am asked often why do I get botox and the occasional fillers. I even have people say it means I am not happy with myself and I need to practise what I preach. WRONG. I am 100% happy with who I am. Just because I do those things, it doesn't mean I'm not. I shouldn't have to justify myself. It doesn't mean that I am not happy with the skin I am in. And it certainly doesn't mean that I want to be perfect, there is no such thing as perfect!
The point of this blog is to prove that is it 100% OK to LOVE your curves, to embrace that body, no matter what size you are! You don't need to be a size 6. However, in saying this, your weight can affect your health considerably, so while being comfortable in your skin it is also important to consider health regarding weight as health is just as important. I want to promote a healthy, positive body image, and for young girls in particular, to LOVE yourself and don't judge you or other women, instead support them. Eat in moderation, if you want that wine or chocolate, girl you deserve it!
Please just remember, to be kind to yourself, you do you. YOU are beautiful, remember that!
Love & light,
D x
